Oh My Gosh Josh - Tell Jokes

@theomgjosh
Knock Knock....
Who's there?
Dishes.
Dishes who?
Dishes a bad joke....

-OMG Josh

Oh My Gosh Josh loves a good joke. Here are some of his favorite kid's jokes.

These are jokes specifically for kids. They are not jokes used in Oh My Gosh Josh's shows, but are here for kids to enjoy.

If you would like to submit a kids joke for this page just click on Submit A Joke, write the joke in the box to the right, click submit and if we use the joke we'll run your name after it so everyone will know it came from you!

SUBMIT YOUR OWN JOKE!!

Q: How do you catch a unique rabbit?
A: Unique up on it.
Q: How do you catch a tame rabbit?
A: Tame way, unique up on it.


Q: Why didn't the turkey eat dessert?
A: He was stuffed!

Q: What's the best way to stuff a turkey?
A: Take him out for pizza and ice cream!

Q: What kind of horse likes to be ridden at night?
A: A nightmare.

Q: What does a dog quarterback throw to?
A: A Labrador receiver.

Q: How can you spot a dogwood tree?
A: By its bark.

Q: What do you get when you cross a werewolf with someone who makes ceramics?
A: A hairy potter.

Q: Why did the bald man put a rabbit on his head?
A: Because he needed the hare.

Q: What is a twip?
A: A twip is what a wabbit takes when he wides a twain.

Q: What did the dentist give the school marching band?
A: A tuba toothpaste.

Q: What do you get when you cross a balloon with a porcupine?
A: A pop.

Q: Where does a bird go when it loses its tail?
A: To a retail store.

Q: What goes HA, HA, HA, PLOP?
A: Someone laughing their head off.

Q: What word is always pronounced wrong?
A: WRONG.

Q: What's more amazing than a talking dog?
A: A spelling bee.

Q: Why didn't the teddy bear eat dessert?
A: Because he was stuffed.

Q: Why did the turtle cross the road?
A: To get to the shell station.

Q: What do you get when you cross a fish with two elephants?
A: Swimming trunks.

Q: What do you get when you cross an elephant with a kangaroo?
A: Great big holes all over Australia.

Q: What do you call a fish without an eye?
A: Fsh.

Q: What does a dancer like to drink?
A: Tap Water.

Q: Why are frogs so happy?
A: They eat whatever bugs them.

Q: Did you hear about the carpenter who left work early?
A: He made a bolt for the door.

Q: What do you get when you have 324 blueberries trying to get through the same door?
A: A blueberry jam.

Q: What kind of sandwich is Dracula afraid of?
A: Stake sandwich.

Q. Why did the mother cat put stamps on her kittens?
A. Because she wanted to mail a litter.

Q: Why was the broom late?
A: It over swept!

Q: What do you call a knight who is afraid to fight?
A: Sir Render.

Q: How do you make a Kleenex dance?
A: You put a little boogie in it!

Q: Why did the baseball team hire a cook?
A: It needed a new batter.

Q: What goes 99 bump, 99 bump, 99 bump?
A: A centipede with a wooden leg!.

Q: Did you hear about the garden race?
A: The lettuce was a head, the hose was running, and the tomato was trying to ketchup.

Q: What's the difference between a well dressed man and a dog?
A: The man wears a suit; the dog just pants.

Q: Why do bees hum?
A: They don't know the words.

Q: Why wouldn't the bicycles move?
A: Because they were two-tired.

Q: What do you get if you cross a shellfish and a rabbit?
A: The Oyster Bunny.

Q: Why don't ant eaters ever get sick?
A: Because they're full of anti-bodies!

Q: Why would Snow White make a good judge?
A: Because she's the fairest one of all.

Q: Why did the golfer bring an extra sock to the game?
A: In case he got a hole in one.

Q: How did the patient get to the hospital so fast?
A: Flu.

Q: Why did the cat bark?
A: He wanted to learn a second language.

Q: What did the turtle wear to keep warm?
A: A turtle neck.

Q: How did the music teacher get locked out of his classroom?
A: His keys were in the piano!

Q: Why didn't the peanut butter cross the road?
A: Because there was a traffic jam.

Q: What did the duck say when he bought lipstick?
A: Put it on my bill.

Q: What do sea monsters eat?
A: Fish and Ships.

Q: Why don't bears wear socks?
A:
Because they like to walk in their bear feet.

Q: What is the tallest building in your town?
A:
The Public Library because it has the most stories.

Q: Who was the smallest man in history?
A:
The sailor who went to sleep on his watch.

Q: What did one wall say to the other wall?
A: I'll meet you at the corner.

Q: What kind of pine has the sharpest needles?
A: A porcupine.

Q: What's the difference between a teacher and a train?
A: A teacher says, "Spit out your gum," and a train says, "choo, choo."

Q: What is the hardest key to turn? A donkey.

Q: Why are babies good at basketball?
A: Because they are expert dribblers.

Q: Why did Cinderella fall down at the ball?
A: Because she was wearing slippers.

Q: Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?
A: Because then it would be a foot.

Q: What is a vampires favorite dog?
A: A bloodhound.

Q: What was Camelot?
A:
A place where people parked their camels!

Q: What would you get if you crossed a vampire and a teacher?
A: Lots of blood tests!

Q: How do you cut a wave?
A: With a sea saw.

Q: If there are ten cats in a boat and one jumps out, how many are left?
A: None, they were all copycats!

Q: Who invented King Arthur's round table?
A: Sir Circumference!

Q: Why is it cool to go to a baseball game on a hot day?
A: Because there are a lot of fans.

Q: What was Camelot famous for?
A: It's knight life!

Q: What's a mushroom?
A: The place they store the school food!

Q: What did you learn in school today?
A: Not enough, I have to go back tomorrow!

Q: What are prehistoric monsters called when they sleep?
A: A dinosnore!

Q: Did you hear about the wooden car with the wooden wheels and the wooden engine?
A: It wooden go!

Q: What's the difference between a fish and a piano?
A: You can't tuna fish.

Q: What do people do in clock factories?
A: They make faces all day.

Q: Why couldn't the sailors play cards?
A: Because the captain was standing on the deck.

Q: What does a dentist call his x-rays?
A: Tooth-pics.

Q: What happened to the cat who swallowed a ball of wool?
A: She had mittens.

Q: Why was Cinderella such a bad player?
A: Her coach was a pumpkin.

Q: Who earns a living by driving his customers away?
A: A taxi-driver.

Q: Why did the cat want to be a nurse?
A: She wanted to be a first-aid kit.

Q: Why were the teacher's eyes crossed?
A: She couldn't control her pupils.

Q: Why doesn't Dracula have any friends?
A: Because he's a pain in the neck.

Q: What kind of cats like to go bowling?
A: Alley cats.

Q: Why did the scientist install a knocker on his door?
A: He wanted to win the no-bell prize!

Q: What do witches wear on their hair?
A: Scare spray.

Q: Why do bees have sticky hair?
A: Because they have honeycombs.

Q: What did the O say to the 8?
A: Nice belt.

Q: What did the digital watch say to the grandfather clock?
A: Look pop no hands.

Q: Why did the apple go out with a fig?
A: Because it couldn't find a date.

Q: What nails do carpenters hate to hit?
A: Fingernails.

Q: What cat purrs more than any other?
A: Purrsians!

Q: Where do Eskimos keep their money?
A: Snow banks!

Q: What did one arithmetic book say to the other?
A: We've got problems!

Q: Why didn't the oyster share the profits from his pearl?
A: He was shellfish.

Q: Why can't you tell secrets on a farm?
A: Because the corn has ears, the potatoes have eyes, the grass whispers and the horses carry tails.

Q: What do monkeys eat for dessert?
A: Chocolate chimp cookies.

Q: Where do frogs keep their money?
A: In a river bank!

Q: What do you call a girl with a frog in her hair?
A: Lily!

Q: What do Scottish rabbits play?
A: Hop-scotch!

Q: What lights up a soccer stadium?
A: A soccer match!

Q: How do pigs communicate?
A :With swine language.

Q: What did they call Dracula when he won the game?
A: The champire!

Q: What is a runner's favorite subject in school ?
A: Jog-raphy!

Q: What animals are on legal documents?
A: Seals!

Q: Why is Alabama the smartest state in the USA?
A: Because it has 4 A's and one B!

Q: What has two banks but no money?
A: A river.

Q: How was the Roman Empire cut in half?
A: With a pair of Caesars!

Q: What do you call an American drawing?
A: Yankee doodle!

Q: How did the farmer fix his jeans?
A: With a cabbage patch!

Q: What stories do the ship captain's children like to hear?
A: Ferry tales!

Q: What kind of car does Mickey Mouse's wife drive?
A: A Minnie van!

Q: Why did the lazy man want a job in a bakery?
A: So he could loaf around!

Q: Why was the Egyptian girl worried?
A: Because her daddy was a mummy!

Q: Why did Mickey Mouse take a trip into space?
A: He wanted to find Pluto!

Q: What holds the sun up in the sky?
A: Sunbeams!

Q: If athletes get athlete's foot, what do astronauts get?
A: Missile toe!

Q: Where do hamsters come?
A: Hampsterdam!

Q: What is the most slippery country in the world?
A:
Greece!

Q: Why do cows wear bells?
A:
Because their horns don't work!

Q: Why do gorillas have big nostrils? They have big fingers.

Q: What happened when the elephant sat on the car?
A: Everyone knows a Mercedes Bends!

Q: What's a snake's favorite school subject?
A: Hissstory!

Q: Why did the dog cross the road?
A: To get to the barking lot!

Q: Why did the spider like computers?
A: Because he had his own Web site.

Q: Where do baby cows eat lunch?
A: At a calf-ateria.

Q: What did the bicycle call its dad?
A:
Pop-cycle.

Q: What do you call rollerbladers who chat on the computer?
A: Online skaters.

Q: What did the baby porcupine say to the cactus?
A: "Is that you, Daddy?"

Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.

Q: What do cats like for breakfast?
A: Mice Crispies.

Q: Did you hear about the man who fell into an upholstery machine?
A: He's fully recovered...

Q: What happens if you get a gigabyte?
A: It megahertz.
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